Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today it's Just for a Laugh! Add Your Funny Food Law!

Goodies from the Tuesday Passyunk Farmers' Market
Happy Thursday!

I couldn't resist sharing this from James Norton, posted on CHOW:

Oughta Be a Law:  10 Crimes Against Food
U.S. Senator Patrick Leahy from Vermont is planning to introduce legislation that would make it a federal crime to mislabel products as containing maple syrup.  Great  idea - it's a regional product with a rich heritage and it deserves protection.  James came up with 10 more things that should be "protected" by federal law.

Bratwurst  - Ever had a phoned - in Brat?  (hello, Hillshire Farm???).  A snappy exterior and an interior spiced with conviction are musts. 

Bagels - Gotta be denser than Wonder Bread; gotta have an actual skin.  There goes 90 percent of the bagels from flyover country, but tough turkey.  You can relabel them as flotation devices.

Cappuccino - If it's cherry flavored, it isn't cappuccino. 

Craft Beer - Should involve some actual craft at some point; a vortex bottle neck and/or team of Clydesdales and/or color changing cold mountains do NOT qualify.

Gourmet Cupcakes - If you are going to charge more than $4, it better kill. Some sort of extensive licensing program or electroshock based system of retraining should be instituted.

Margaritas - Not blended with ice into a slushie for adults, not choked with artificial sour mix.  Rather, made, well, from tequila and a bit of citrus and lime juice.

Chocolate Chip Cookies - If it makes you sad, instead of happy, it is not really a chocolate chip cookie.  Bad cookies, the kind served at fast food joints must be labeled, "chocolate shame cookies".

Cherry Pie - If the filling's been poured from a five gallon bucket, the pie must be either relabeled as "Artificially Flavored Corn Syrup Pie" or destroyed.

Calzones - Should not be miserably heavy; should be deliciously heavy.  Anyone on the East Coast can nail down the terms on this.

Martinis - Gin and vermouth - some actual measures of vermouth, not just "waving" the bottle at the shaker.  Vodka is an acceptable substitute for the gin, but only barely. Nothing else can be called a martini, or include the suffix, " - tini".  Chocolate syrup laced Chocotini?  That's not a martini - that's five years of medium security prison in Idaho.

Of course, we've already come up with a number of "laws" to add to this list! 

1.  Heavily fine fake restaurants that sell themselves as "authentic" ethnic food, but actually are just re-heating frozen, highly salted, americanized stuff at high prices. Includes, Olive Garden and P.J. Chang's - both would be hysterically funny if people didn't actually believe that they were eating Italian or Asian!!

2.  Forbid the use of terms made up by chain restaurants - i.e. "Cuccina Casuale".  Listen to the pronunciation next time the commercial is on TV.

3.  Stop calling Deep Dish Pizza, Pizza - it's a nice casserole;  but it's not pizza, sorry, it's not.  A Sicilian would kill you for calling it pizza.  That would be an appropriate fine.

What are some of the "laws" you would enact?

Keep in Touch and Keep it Local, Seasonal, and Kind to the Environment!

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